War for Dummies

Easy instructions for readers of all ages! Recommended by experts in the weapons trade! Non-fiction by I. R. Soul!

KEEP THOSE FIGHTER JETS IN THE AIR

Bombing campaigns are important. Withdrawing your fighter jets from the Middle East, as Canada plans to do with its six CF-18s, is a big, big mistake. There’s absolutely no truth to the rumour that the best way to lose control of your country’s fiscal autonomy is to buy in; contracts signed with the Military Industrial Complex come with reasonable payment terms. You can trust us, we’ve been honouring our commitment to upgrade our product lines for nearly 100 years.

BE SURE YOUR MEDIA IS ON SIDE

There’s no point in confusing the little people, keep the stories simple! They have been well trained in loss and revenge so be sure to hammer home any losses on our side. Ignore casualties on the other side, it’s best to pretend there aren’t any. Encourage simplistic thinking, the only two protagonists allowed are Us and Them. There’s a fringe movement of lunatics suggesting the equation ought to be We = Us + Them but that is dangerously naïve.

Giving the other side a voice would only sow confusion. Don’t burden your stories with balanced reporting, context or history. The little people don’t need to worry their little heads. Empathy or compassion lead down the wrong road! It’s not important that hundreds of thousands have been killed over there. It’s irrelevant that our forces have destroyed their societies and the political infrastructure that would have kept life functioning. The current exodus of Middle Eastern migrants into Europe is not the result of our military campaign, Absolutely Not! Those people are fleeing terrorists. Terrorism is Them, not Us.

Any reporter who breaks the rules and complicates by using balance, context or history must be immediately humiliated in public, or better yet, fired. This sends a clear message and should keep the rest of them in line. Renegade journos will gravitate to alternative media online and under no circumstances are you allowed to mention alternative media.

Maintain the correct TV reportage. Sending your news teams to Paris after the attacks was an effective strategy and there was nothing parasitical about it. Grief poaching is honourable conduct, it will stoke the fires of revenge and anger. HINT: having your media criticize its government and discuss military participation ad nauseam is good, it helps everybody feel well informed and feeling well informed means we stay focussed on the goals.

FEED YOUR TESTOSTERONE

Nothing good could ever, ever come from gender balance. Think about man boobs, men crying, everybody having to admit they’re being led by a motley crew of bullshit guessers. Mankind must not be allowed to fall into that trap. Gender balance only means confusion. There’s no truth to the notion that patriarchies are empty of soul. REMEMBER: The most important thing for the world is that men keep running it!

Christmas is coming, give your son a war video game. This is a wise educational choice. Despite nonsense to the contrary, war games are beneficial, they develop the kill instinct; no time like the present to train your boy’s adrenal glands; hair trigger responses are crucial skills for modern living. Social and relationship skills are vastly overrated. There is no truth that young men everywhere suffer from having a lack of meaningful options for their future.

Repeat after me: WAR CAN NEVER BE OVER

And why would we want it to be?? We’ll militarize the goddamn Moon if we have to! We are beholden to our stock holders and anybody who challenges the profit motive is a leftist socialist Communist-sympathizing guerrilla anarchist revolutionary who deserves to die.

Take it from us, we’ve been using words to steer the little people for decades and have found it’s a tremendous way to keep them distracted and on side. Look how successful the word Terrorist has become. So use it often, use it liberally, and wherever possible pair the word terrorist with refugee—for an added fear association. Sales, sales, sales!

Our Mantra: Intelligence is the best way to plan your future. Intelligence Policy.

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